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[12 Nov 2009|11:48pm] |
hurting you by what i have to say is the last thing i want to do. you were my bestfriend for years.
but i have o get this out. its going to eat away at me. even if you dont read it
i hate that you think you are better than me just because you dont do stupid shit like i do. yeah ive made mistakes, but i wouldnt take any of them back. they made me who i am today and i am extremely proud of it. Im living, not hiding behind other things as an excuse. I dont judge people and then act as if i dont. if the peorson doesnt fit your mold of what a person should do, act like, and believe you freak out.
and dont say were arent friends because you just choose to disagree with my actions and choices...
we arent friends because we are two COMPLETELY different people who see things COMPLETELY differently. so we have no common ground anymore.
i am happy with myself, my choices, and my life. So drop it and please stop acting like you are so much better because you dont drink, have sex, or godknows what other horrible things i do/have done.
i am glad i live a little.
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[14 Apr 2009|10:11am] |
days like this i miss you so freaking much
i just have to keep reminding myself everything happens for a reason
but you were the only one that understood this side of me.
knew what to say and everything
its hard without you.
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[19 Mar 2009|10:53pm] |
EVERY situation in my life I feel indifferent about as of right now Everything stable in my life is completely gone. Every relationship in my life right now is questionable. I don’t know where in the hell im going to be in 2 years from now. As of right now my life has no purpose, I have no ambition, and nothing to work for. I no longer have that rock in my life. That feeling of knowing that someone is going to be there no matter what, is gone. When we seperated I had the thought in my head that he was going to always be there and that things werent going to change much. But all he does is just try to make me jealous because “I hurt him so fucking badly”. He doesn’t even know half of what I did behind his back. I don’t know what to do, but I guess I cant be friends with everyone, no matter how hard I try. We arent even talking at all right now. Which in a way I think he needs this. Us getting in this fight was probably the best thing for him. He can move on find a girl that isnt going to fuck with his head. I don’t know what made me do what I did to him. I cant even tell him what I did because I know it will kill him. And ever since that day, I havent felt the same. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t see how anyone can do that to someone. But believe me… karma has been biting me in the ass ever since. I don’t know why its so hard for me to know he is no longer in love with me. But it is killing me everytime I think about it. I noticed him getting over me, day by day he was getting less and less interested in me. I tried so hard to keep him loving me though, and I have no idea why! Why am I such a bad person. I cant just let him move on from me and fall in love. He deserves the best and I just cant let him have it for some reason. Im so scatterbrained about everything. This blows.
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[03 Apr 2008|09:59am] |
yesterday was kind of the last straw.
why cant it be easy to talk about all this shit with more than just one person.
i dont know how longer a can go like this.
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[23 Jan 2008|04:45pm] |
everyone has that one thing that makes them feel alive. the one thing that gives them that feeling they think NO ONE else can get. The thing that they cant seem to leave or let go. The thing that they put so much of themselves into.
everyone has it.
but what gives them that thing, its different everytime.
but that feeling, its all the same.
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[26 Nov 2007|11:35pm] |
ohhh rachael catherine.
i love having a friend who isnt afraid to tell me if im wrong.
who isnt afraid to argue with me and tell me how she feels because she knows our friendship will never end.
i trust her with everything, and love her so much.
i know i can go to her for the truth.
and without you i dont know who i would be.
thanks alot rae. you rock.
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[25 Nov 2007|03:50pm] |
i appreciate never being invited to anything. it really makes me feel loved. i already feel like shit because im at home going to school, not away at a better one. i would like if people would just tell me whats going on, i will try MY HARDEST to make it. its just weird that i have people who will drive three hours to come see me, but my own bestfriends, when they alll live within 5 minutes away, i barely ever talk to when they are home.
i didnt realize how bad it was till everyone came back home for this break.
i just dont see how you can "forget me".
if anything that hurts worse.
and i dont want to talk about it, because i know nothing is going to change, and i KNOOOW the only reason we would be talking is because i angry.
any other day, you would forget all about me.
i just have to move one.
as people say, you barely stay friends with the people from highschool anyways.
i thought some of us would be different.
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[19 Oct 2007|12:37pm] |
well. last night things finally got settled between tony and i.
i know its a freaking miracle.
it started out horrible, me crying annd all this other crap, him being an asshole.
but then we finally talked.
he told me that he thought we were in love, but things got all weird and messed up and that he stopped loving me, but didnt bother to tell me. just strung me along or whatever.
he said that he was sorry.
i guess thats all you can do.
but i got my closure.
after being bitched out by some alyssa girl.
but were friends now.
altho we all know that that means i am never going to talk to him again.
he told me if i wanted to talk to him anytime i could.
but im not going to.
moving on and forgetting him will just be easier.
so im moving on now. i officially have my closure.
im sure im going to have major problems when a guy really does come along who loves me.
thats going to be some interestng stuff.
but oh well.
but thanks rachael and heather. you two rock.
thanks for being there for me through all this and having my back.
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[27 Sep 2007|10:57am] |
this weekend was really stressful.
richard came to hang out. and i knew that this was the time he was going to kiss me.
i did not want it to happen.
but it did.
we spent like all day saturday together, and idk i just got really frustrated because lately i dont like hanging with people i have to entertain. i like just being myself and doing whatever.
but all day i spent with him. and i knew the kiss was going to happen so i was really weird all day. and it didnt happen.
sam showed up at phoenix when we were there. i wanted to spend more time with her.
i hated the mood i was in all weekend.
i was tired sick and really nervous. and it sucks that it was the weekend that she came to the heights.
but anyways
then richard spent the night, yeah my parents actaully let this happen. weird i know
sunday morning i had to leave at 11:45 to go to heathers sisters soccer game so he had to leave
and when we walked to our cars, he just grabbed me and kissed me.
part of me was relieved it finally happened.
but everytime i kiss a guy, just reminds me of tony.
and how nothing is ever going to feel the same, and nothing is ever going to feel right again.
i hate it.
and another thing. i TRUELY do not want a boyfriend right now. like honestly. i love not having to worry about boyfriend stuff.
i dont need that right now.
i just want to remain friends with richard. and i know he wants more.
i didnt hate the kiss, i am not going to lie.
its just the fact that once again, it wasnt tony.
i need to give him that letter.
i cant move on till i do.
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[15 Sep 2007|10:09pm] |
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i hate to talk about all this stuff on livejounral.
but its where i express what im thinking.
if you dont want to read it,
dont.
so there is that whole question "what is love?"
i thought i knew, crazy as it may seems, at age 17.
what the hell was i thinking right.
now i question love all the time. part of me doesnt believe in it.
and now there is my new question.
"what is friendship"
i now dont know what a bestfriend is.
when all along i thought i already found the one for life.
how can people stay with eachtoher for so long. i jsut dont get it
you bound to get sick of eachtoher.
i mean i havent yet.
but ive noticed it in a couple people. how they have just been getting sick of me.
you think i like how i am always sad and stresssed now a days.
about money, sleeeeep, school, work, guys, moving out, my family. EVERYTHING.
i work 6 days a week now. if i am lucky, only 5. 35-45 hours a week.
its not my choice to be how i am right now okay.
and my freinds see that.
but not the one i care about most
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[05 Sep 2007|11:37pm] |
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jeez people. why do you all have to make such long entries. i cant read them ALL.
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[05 Sep 2007|12:02pm] |
ryan preston wants to go on a date with me.
what the fuck.
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[03 Sep 2007|10:55pm] |
i really hate days like this.
i know i am over him.
but i cant help to miss him.
he was my bestfriend.
and there for me through so much.
i hate how we have grown apart and changed so much.
closure is what i need.
but i dont want it.
what the hell is wrong with me.
all i know it september 13th is going to be really hard to get through.
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[31 Aug 2007|09:00am] |
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i am sitting here in the public library while my brother is at tutoring.
this is suppose to be the day i sleep in really late and just relax by myself.
but no. my mother is retarded.
i knew this was going to happen once i got my license.
im not stupid.
i knew i was going to have to drive my brothers to soccer practice, and to their friends house and GOD knows where else.
i seriously hate it sooo much.
on the bright side my birthday is just a little over a week. this i am happy for.
yeah it may suck because liek all my freinds are gone and whatever.
i dont know what im going to be doing for it.
my family is going to be at my brothers soccer game that night.
sooo therefore. no family time.
i didnt end up going to alma this weekend.
long story , and i really dont feel like explaining.
i hung out with jackie yesterday.
that was fun. we watched britians next top model.
americas next top model in 89246593876 times better.
ok im bored and have ran out of things to talk about.
so farewell
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[27 Aug 2007|11:43pm] |
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so far, i love school.
Today after class i hung out with justin, heather, rachael, james polony, and nick deguano (hw you spell his last name)
We could not stop laughing the whole time.
we just sat for like 2 hours in the "skylight cafe" that is on campus.
its actaully alot better then i thought.
it has a pool table, ping pong, and a shit load of other games.
down side to today...
i saw ally baby, and samantha vandabuch. or however you spell her last name.
but really, i love all my classes. and how at home it is.
because i know i wouldnt be able to handle such a big change like moving away right off the bat.
i am really happy with the choice i made.
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[21 Aug 2007|10:35pm] |
i am just sick of everything.
lately i havent been wanting to hear about peoples problems
or try to fix anything.
i havent cared.
its getting hard to be with poeple who are so unlike me.
because i cant seem to agree with anything.
i have been overly opinionated adn senstive lately.
i just need a break.
thats all i ask.
im not myself right now.
i cant explain it.
its all just a big mess.
and i dont have the energy to fix it.
school starts tomorrow.
heather and i went and walked around campus today.
found where the buildings we have to go to are.
so im not as nervous as i was before..
people leaving still has yet to bug me.
and i dont know if it ever will.
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[20 Aug 2007|10:26am] |
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people leaving for college is really bugging me for some reason.
everyone who is staying here or leaving seems all sad about being seperated from their friends. not me. i think its because i havent been very close with anyone who is leaving this summer.
which sucks.
but whatever.
plus i am kind of still in denial about it.
so i am suppose to spend the first weekend of september with richard.
he is staying the night here friday night, we are hanging out on saturday, driving back to alma and i am staying there saturday and sunday night. where im sure i will be hanging out with him and his friends and having a good time.
i am excited for it i cant lie.
but im not rushing into anything this time. taking it slow.
one of my bestfriends thinks its tooo fast for us. for me to spending a weekend alone together. its not going to be some huge romantic weekend with just us.
its just going to be two friends hanging out.
another one of my bestfriends thinks that it will be very good for me. it will help me forget about asshole. and she doesnt get whats wrong with it, i mean we have hung out before.
in my mind i have, and never will see a problem with it. its just going to be us hanging out. and i know nothing will happen because i wont let it. i have some control over myself altho i guess people like to think i dont.
i dont want to sound mean. but im just getting sick of the "friends butting into my relationships because they see soemthing wrong with it" thing.
i cant go through it again.
i cant worry about my friends judging me.
im different that you guys.
like different things, find kissing not that big of a deal, like different guys.
and it also sucks because somehow people have percieved me as someone who has dated alot of guys.
i dont know how that happend.
i have only really had one real boyfriend.
i am just really frustrated and in a bad mood.
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[16 Aug 2007|07:17pm] |
i really need to get out of this house.
my mother does not get point of privacy.
she once again went into my room and went through my shit.
this time she found the journal i kept while dating tony.
not good.
i regret most everything i did with him, because i did some REALLY stupid shit while with him.
and now my mother knows about it all, in detail.
talk about ackward.
i attempted to tell her that i really am not that person anymore.
then i was stupid and whatever, but i know she still thinks im a freaking hoe or something.
and it sucks because i really have changed.
like that whole mike thing.. what was that?
hoeeeish, thats what it was.
so i got it all out.
and now im taking things really slow.
like with richard... im not rushing into ANYTHING.
and mike came back yesterday and wanted to hang out...
i could have easily hung out with him.
but no, i know i dont liek him, and im not going to lower myself just to make myself feel better.
hes gross, and i deserve way better.
i really wish my mother could see that she cna trust me again.
ive learned from the stupid mistakes ive done this year.
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[22 Jul 2007|02:31am] |
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i cant lie when is ay i cant wait till college. im so sick of all my friends thinking im such a horrible friend. they dont invite me to shit, and the only things im invited to now are things that benefit them. and im sorry i have a job and i have to work when they say. i cant just leave whenever i want.
and im sorry im not 18 and that i still have a curfew and i have no freaking car.
im sick of everyone attacking me
talking shit about me
and whatever the fuck is going on.
just do what you did to sarah to me.
stop talking to me
id rather have that than have everyone talking shit and then when im with them act liek my bestfriend.
its hard to believe but im growning up. i have fucking responsabilities.
as much as i wish i could do what i want and party all the time and go out every night i cant
my mom doesnt allow me 1. 2 i have a job, and 3 i dont have a car.
i cant frekaing please everyone.
so tahts why i quit.
jsut dont even bother inviting me to anything
talking to me or anything
just go off to college, and forget all about me.
and go ahead and make fun of all the stuff i say
whats new
i couldnt care less anymore
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[18 Jul 2007|06:01pm] |
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fuck it.
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